MORE MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES

MORE MITCH HEDBERG A COMIC'S MIND IN HIS OWN WORDS All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience. Dogs are forever in the push up postion. I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. Mitch Hedberg

LENNY BRUCE

LENNY BRUCE A PIONEER OF TODAY'S COMEDY I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up. If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses. The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them. The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't. The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter. When you're eight years old nothing is your business. You can't put tits and ass on the marquee!...Why not?...Because it's dirty and vulgar, that's why not!... Titties are dirty and vulgar?...Okay, we'll compromise. How about Latin? Gluteus maximus, pectoralis majors nightly...That's alright, that's clean, class with ass, I'll buy it...Clean to you, schmuck, but dirty to the Latins! If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't "taper off." You've got to quit, cold jerky! "Sex" and "obscenity" are not synonymous. If something about the human body disgusts you, I mean if God created the Body and the Body is dirty, then the fault lies with the Manufacturer. I'm sorry if I wasn't very funny tonight. Sometimes I'm not. I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce. Lenny Bruce

BOB HOPE

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn? I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap. I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar! I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. I have to much money invested in sweaters. There will always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood. Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning. She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off. A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup. You've got to be rich to have a swing like that. The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast. When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano. When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in. You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful. You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it. If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness. (Bob Hope always made me happy. In retrospect his simplicity created an intricate glow of joy within me) BOB HOPE

JAY LONDON QUOTES

JAY LONDON So how do you like my overall look? ( Jay's usual stage attire was bib overalls) You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on evolutionary chart. I get all my hair products at PetCo. I was born nine months premature. I work at Bed Bath and Beyond. I work in the Beyond section. When someone asks me where the Bath section is, I say "It's beyond me." It all started when my dog received free rollover minutes. After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, because we all have nicknames. So I named my private part Pride. It's not much, but at least I have my Pride. I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness. I went to a urologist. He told me I could go at any time. My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. I wanted to join the Army. The sign said "Be all that you can be." They told me it wasn't enough. I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said "Compared to who?" A guy gave me a job at an information booth, no questions asked. I went on a date with a weather girl, we talked up a storm. A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock. I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody. I recorded my hair this morning. Tonight I'm watching the highlights. My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese. I went to a record store and asked for 50 Cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling. I went to the store and bought lady fingers. When I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger. I saw a sign that said "Left Lane Closed." So I went someplace else. I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds. 14 people showed up, it was overcast. I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me. My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality. I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out. I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry, it's not the end of the world. My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings. I saw a stationery store move. My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless. I slept with this girl, and in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed. She said one pig in the blanket was enough. I model irregular clothing. I had a very lonely New Year's this year. I had to watch my own balls drop. I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road. I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out. People ask me what I think about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults. I dated a partially nude model, and she did a half-assed job. Flowers for $25.00, reluctant. Wining and dining for $150.00, catastrophic. Trying to get on first base, unattainable. For everything else there's Masturbate. I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it. Jay London

TIM ALLEN QUOTES

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TIM ALLEN I have a car stereo that will leave messages. It’s got a manual two inches thick. The manual that came with my wife is smaller. Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. My wife is impossible. It is only safe to wake her from a distance, like Portugal. Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything. Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you're tired and most of your balls are missing. I got myself a snack of low-sodium, low-fat Triscuits. If they were lower in anything else the box would be empty. My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. When I walk into that (Sears) Craftsman tool department, my nipples get rock-hard! Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me. While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously. Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes we want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon. Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison. Who gave you permission to tell Charlie there was no Santa Claus? I think if we're going to destroy our son's delusions, I should be a part of it. (Santa Clause) Tim Allen

FRED ALLEN QUOTES

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FRED ALLEN A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better. An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year. Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there. I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal labotomy. Imitation is the sincerest form of television. It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals. Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything. Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. Television is the triumph of machine over people. The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference. Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners. Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great. We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement? You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. Fred Allen