JAY LONDON
So how do you like my overall look? ( Jay's usual stage attire was bib overalls)
You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on evolutionary chart.
I get all my hair products at PetCo.
I was born nine months premature.
I work at Bed Bath and Beyond. I work in the Beyond section. When someone asks me where the Bath section is, I say "It's beyond me."
It all started when my dog received free rollover minutes.
After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, because we all have nicknames. So I named my private part Pride. It's not much, but at least I have my Pride.
I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.
I went to a urologist. He told me I could go at any time.
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
I wanted to join the Army. The sign said "Be all that you can be." They told me it wasn't enough.
I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said "Compared to who?"
A guy gave me a job at an information booth, no questions asked.
I went on a date with a weather girl, we talked up a storm.
A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.
I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.
I recorded my hair this morning. Tonight I'm watching the highlights.
My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.
I went to a record store and asked for 50 Cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.
I went to the store and bought lady fingers. When I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.
I saw a sign that said "Left Lane Closed." So I went someplace else.
I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds. 14 people showed up, it was overcast.
I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.
My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.
I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.
I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry, it's not the end of the world.
My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.
I saw a stationery store move.
My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.
I slept with this girl, and in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed. She said one pig in the blanket was enough.
I model irregular clothing.
I had a very lonely New Year's this year. I had to watch my own balls drop.
I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.
I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.
People ask me what I think about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.
I dated a partially nude model, and she did a half-assed job.
Flowers for $25.00, reluctant. Wining and dining for $150.00, catastrophic. Trying to get on first base, unattainable. For everything else there's Masturbate.
I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.
Jay London
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