RODNEY DANGERFIELD

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RODNEY DANGERFIELD I was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home. "I went over. Nobody was home. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early." It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. My Dad hated me I bought him an Archery Set for Christmas, he got me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on it for my birthday. He thought me to cross at the red light. When I was bored he told me to play on the broken white line on the highway. I get no respect. For Halloween I use to bob for french fries, my dad, you know. I mean I came from a tough neighborhood in grade four when thew teacher got a note it would read "Little Johnny will be away from five to ten years" In high School the special at the local restaurant was broken leg of lamb. Rough neighborhood. I'm not saying they didn't have class, if they robbed you they didn't use a barbers switch razor, they used an electric razor. The one drawback they had to wait until you were near an electric outlet. I think my wife fools around on me. I got in a cab I asked the driver to take me where I could get some action you know some easy sex he drove me to my house. I bought a used car I found one of my wife's dresses in the backseat. I mean I don't know I get no respect no respect. I told her why does she keep running over the kids bikes she said they shouldn't keep them on the porch. I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. I'm so ugly that my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through." I'm so ugly that my mother had morning sickness.....AFTER I was born. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide." My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair. Rodney Dangerfield

GEORGE CARLIN QUOTES

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GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt. Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up. President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think alcoholics should be told not to screw. Everywhere you look there are families with too many vehicles. You see them on the highways with their RVs. But apparently the RVs aren’t enough, because behind them they are towing cars, motor boats, go-carts, dune buggies, dirt bikes, ski jets, snowmobiles, para sails, hang gliders. Hot air balloons and two small two-,man deep sea diving bells. The only thing these people lack are lunar excursion modules. Doesn’t anyone take a f_ck_ng walk anymore? Here’s more middlebrow bullshit philosophy. “That which does not kill me makes me stronger.” I’ve got something more realistic: “That which does not kill me may sever my spinal cord, crush my rib cage, cave in my skull and leave me helpless and paralyzed, soaking in a puddle of my own waste.” Put that in your T-shirt, touchy feely New Age asshole! Live and let live – that’s what I say. Anyone who can’t understand that should be killed. I don’t understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, screwing is legal. So why isn’t it legal to sell screwing? The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate. In the United States anyone can be president. That’s the problem. Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says “Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit.” The IQ and life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in the opposite direction. The following statement is true. The previous statement is false. When I first heard the song “Don’t worry- be happy” I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with “Me first”. George Carlin

Katt Williams

KATT WILLIAMS Now ladies don't be mad at me, I'm only callin' ya bitches cause I don't know your names individually. Women need to stop blaming all your problems on us. Stop tellin' a person,"You messed up my self-esteem". Bitch it's called SELF-ESTEEM! It's esteem of your self. How am I gonna mess up how you feel about yourself? I got shit in my house to make bitches feel comfortable. I got 2 pillows with silk covers on 'em so if a bitch come over she don't gotta mess up her hair. I got wine at my house. I don't drink wine but women do. Now what would Michael need to make lil boys feel comfortable... an amusement park? What the hell is Limewire? Is that one of those crazy new Mountain Dew flavors? “Whole world is _uckin’ crazy, you don’t know what to trust. You can stay away from drugdealers and gangbangers all your life and still get killed by a squirrel.” "About Obama I'll say this white people. If there EVER was a black man that you were going to vote for, THIS is the one to vote for....vote for this guy cuz this is black lite..." Katt Williams (somewhat altered for general consumption)

JACK BENNY

JACK BENNY TALKS Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful woman - and you can keep the golf clubs and fresh air. I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too. I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early. Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. It's not so much knowing when to speak, but when to pause. Modesty is my best quality. A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it. A Cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter. My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. Jack Benny THEY TALK ABOUT JACK BENNY We have been friends because we are not in competition. I do the kind of show he could never do - a giveaway. ~ Art Linkletter Jack's a great musician, and I'm a great actor. It takes a great actor to say Jack Benny is a great musician. Bob Hope When Moshe Dayan heard him play (the violin), he took the patch off his eye and put it over his ear. Dean Martin One night I was walking in my sleep and Mr. Benny put a vacuum cleaner in my hand. Eddie Anderson (Rochestor) He is so anemic that if he stays out at night, he has to get a transfusion so his eyes will be bloodshot in the morning. Fred Allen When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks. George Burns I liked Benny right away, he had something I enjoyed very much - a worse singing voice than mine. George Burns When Jack Benny walks out in tails in front of ninety great musicians, he looks like the world's greatest violinist. It's a shame he has to play. Isaac Stern Last night, Jack Benny played Mendelssohn. Mendelssohn lost. New York Post Critic Throughout Jack's violin solo at the Hollywood Bowl, the audience was glued to their seats. That was the only way he could get them to sit down. Zubin Mehta There was one especially memorable moment . . . when Jack began a very difficult passage from Mendelssohn's Concerto, everyone in the orchestra turned and looked at Jack in wonder and amazement . . . they were playing Beethoven's Fifth at the time! Zubin Mehta There's one particular moment during that concert that I shall recall as long as I live. Its when the entire audience jumped to its feet and shouted, 'More! More!' it was right after Jack had announced there would be a five-minute intermission! Zubin Mehta Benny has done more than raise millions of dollars to erase operating deficits of major orchestras. He has brought multitudes of people who would not otherwise be there into the concert halls to prove that music can be entertaining and rewarding. Leonard Bernstein Jack Benny had style from the beginning. He stood straight and walked kind of sideways as if he were being gently shoved by a touch of genius. William Saroyan

JAY LONDON QUOTES

JAY LONDON So how do you like my overall look? ( Jay's usual stage attire was bib overalls) You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on evolutionary chart. I get all my hair products at PetCo. I was born nine months premature. I work at Bed Bath and Beyond. I work in the Beyond section. When someone asks me where the Bath section is, I say "It's beyond me." It all started when my dog received free rollover minutes. After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, because we all have nicknames. So I named my private part Pride. It's not much, but at least I have my Pride. I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness. I went to a urologist. He told me I could go at any time. My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. I wanted to join the Army. The sign said "Be all that you can be." They told me it wasn't enough. I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said "Compared to who?" A guy gave me a job at an information booth, no questions asked. I went on a date with a weather girl, we talked up a storm. A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock. I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody. I recorded my hair this morning. Tonight I'm watching the highlights. My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese. I went to a record store and asked for 50 Cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling. I went to the store and bought lady fingers. When I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger. I saw a sign that said "Left Lane Closed." So I went someplace else. I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds. 14 people showed up, it was overcast. I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me. My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality. I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out. I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry, it's not the end of the world. My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings. I saw a stationery store move. My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless. I slept with this girl, and in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed. She said one pig in the blanket was enough. I model irregular clothing. I had a very lonely New Year's this year. I had to watch my own balls drop. I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road. I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out. People ask me what I think about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults. I dated a partially nude model, and she did a half-assed job. Flowers for $25.00, reluctant. Wining and dining for $150.00, catastrophic. Trying to get on first base, unattainable. For everything else there's Masturbate. I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it. Jay London